a thought in a silent night

No matter how hard it is for me..I must survive..keep my head up..keep the smile on my face..even though I feel so blue..

Sometimes I desperately need someone to share my ups n downs with..someone that I trust the most so that I can talk freely on anything at all..

I can always talk to my God..that's true..but sometimes I wanna have a two way communication..

However, I don't wanna be a burden for anyone..don't wanna add more problems for everyone..even if I do, I'm not intentionally doing it..I've tried to sort things out myself as best as I could..

a complicated love

Bayang-bayangmu melekat kuat dihati..
Betapa pun ku menampik..
Kau tetap tak bergeming dari dalam diri..

Bukan ku tak sadar akan semua..
Adanya dirinya dalam hidupmu..
Adalah sesuatu yang nyata..

Tak ingin ku sengaja bertahan di sini..
Dan merusak tatanan yang tertata rapi..
Ku coba meredam gejolak di hati..

Namun ku tak mampu melawan rindu..
Binar matamu juga manis senyummu..
Meluluh lantak benteng hati ini..

Meskipun ku paham rasa ini tidak selayaknya..
Tapi ku tak mampu berkata tidak..
Karna sungguh ku cinta..




Bandung, 14 Februari 2010
23.28

an escape

Balas dendam..kalau ngikutin emosi..pengen banget balas dendam..biar even..biar puas hati ini..tapi..apa benar dengan balas dendam akan menyelesaikan??sepertinya sih ga begitu juga.mungkin yang ada bisa-bisa menambah rumit masalah..sama sekali ga menyelesaikan atau bahkan meringankan..

Duluuuu..gw pernah menjalankan prinsip ‘ an eye for an eye’..but I think I’m not good at it..gw sll end up di situasi yang kurang lebih sama dengan sebelumnya..see that??bukannya gw balas dendam..yang ada gw malah nambah rumet masalah gw sendiri..n gw sendiri jg yang mesti ngberesin the mess..

Gw pengen banget melarikan diri dari masalah-masalah gw..yg menghantui gw dan mengacak-acak emosi gw akhir-akhir ini..tapi ternyata moral akhir dari melarikan diri ini adalah juga ga ada gunanya..gw masih aja berada di titik yang itu-itu juga..dan semua tetap sama..tidak ada yang berubah menjadi lebih baik..

Yang pasti gw dah bersikap seperti seorang pengecut..yang bisanya melarikan diri dari keadaan..yaah..mungkin gw ga bijaksana dengan seperti ini..tapi dengan keterbatasan otak gw, gw cuma kepikiran ini..meskipun sangat pengecut..dan hanya memindahkan masalah gw ke ruang dan waktu yang berbeda..

Entahlah..pikiran ini lagi ga jelas..walaupun sadar kalau yang gw lakuin ini ga bener..

when you say you love me

Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
I'm falling, lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words and my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I can't move.
At times I can hardly breath.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

You're the one I've always thought of.
I don't know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
You're where I belong.
And when you're with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly
For a moment in time.
Somewhere between the Heavens and Earth ,
And frozen in time,
Oh when you say those words.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

[bridge:]And this journey that we're on.
How far we've come and I celebrate every moment.
And when you say you love me,
That's all you have to say.I'll always feel this way.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
In that moment,I know why I'm alive

When you say you love me.
When you say you love me.
Do you know how I love you?


Popularized by Josh Groban

untitled

I know that you don't love me as much as I love you..
I know that you don't want me as much as I want you..
I know that you don't need me as much as I need you..
I know that you don't miss me as much as I miss you..

But I wanna thank you..
For the sweet memories you had given me..
For the colours you gave in my life..
For reminding me of the feeling I almost forget..

I am sorry for not being able to be someone that you want..
I am sorry for things I said and done that hurt you..
I am sorry for being so selfish and burden you..
I am sorry for loving you too much..

Bandung, 13 December 2009
12.26

lucky to have been where i have been

"Lucky to have been where I have been.." penggalan lirik yang dinyanyiin jason mraz n colbie calliat ini bkin gw bpikir u sll bsyukur dg situasi n kondisi yg gw hadapin skrg..

Entah bagaimana mnyenangkannya atau sebaliknya situasi yg b'ulang-ulang tjadi, kita mmg harus sll msyukuriny..bsyukur krn kita msh dberikn ksempatan oleh-Nya merasakan segala hal yang diberikan oleh situasi tersebut dan mengingatnya selalu..karena sll ada makna dan tujuan dari setiap hal yang terjadi..

Dan pastinya lebih dpt msyukuri dan memaknai apabila situasi yang dihadapi jauh lebih baik dari yang sebelumnya.

the scene

Another scene in my life has shown how it's gonna b ended..
Need to prepare myself for the scene..
I have been in the same scene for several times in this play..
I know how to act in this part..the expressions..the emotions..you name it..I remember every inch of it..
How can I forget this part??
This scene is the favourite part of my Director..
He often picks this kind of scene for me..
He said I need to enhance my skills in acting and get the most from the scene..
I occasionally ask for a subtitution or other scenes..
But He refused my wish..
He insisted me playing the scene..
For my own's good,He reasoned..
And I just can not do His demand, He is the Director of this play..
He who has the most knowledge on what's best for this play to be..
I just hope that someday, he will see my skill as good enough and let me play other scenes..
Scenes that I can only see for times from the backstage..
I wish..

Bandung, 13 December 2009
11.23

maafkan aku ya Allah

Jiwa ini adalah milik-Mu..
Jiwa ini akan kembali pada-Mu..
Namun raga ini akan tertinggal di sini..
Menyatu dengan tanah..

Aku berharap..
Apabila waktu ku di dunia ini telah habis..
Aku dapat menghadap-Mu dengan cahaya..

Aku sadar..
Jiwa dan raga ini dipenuhi dengan hasrat dunia..
Tak jarang digelapkan oleh nikmat dunia..

Semoga Engkau mengampuniku..

hang

Tak ku dengar suara di keramaian ini..
Hening..begitu sunyi..

Ku lihat engkau di seberang..
Betapa riang n riuh..

Aku rasa pendengaran ini mulai berkurang..
Mata ini tak dapat melihat dengan jelas..
Dan otak ini mulai enggan bekerja..

Bandung, 12 Desember 2009
19.30

I'll be

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.
And emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth.
Tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.

[Chorus:]
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.

And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.
You're my survival, you're my living proof.
My love is alive -- not dead.
Tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

[Chorus]
And I've dropped out, I've burned up, I've fought my way back from the dead.
I've tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said

[Chorus:]
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your...
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.

The greatest fan of your life....
greatest fan of your life.

November rain…

Baru tahun ini lagi ngerasain banjir stl skian lama aman dr basah2an..sbnrny kjadian hr ini dah gw prediksiin n kuatirin dr dl..tp yg ngelola kosnya nganggep remeh bgt kayanya komplenan gw..smp akhirny hrs tjadi insiden hr ini..

Hari ini, tepatnya siang tadi, Jakarta diguyur hujan gede..gedeee bgt dh..sampe2 bs mhancurkan kaca jendela kamar gw n mbuat besinya jadi bengkok..alhasil, kmr gw tgenang air smp 20 cm kl dliat dr jejak2 yang dtinggalin si banjir..

Baju 1/3 nya sukses basah..kulkas mengkhawatirkan..bbrp dokumen n buku2 gw jg basah sah sah..termasuk paspor yang baru gw ganti bbrp bulan yg lalu akibat kbahasan banjir jg..hiks..

Jadilah gw slama 5 jam nonstop mindahin barang dr lt. 1 ke lt. 3, kamar gw yg baru yg bmslh dg showerny dkk..apes bnr ya gw.., plus bersihin sepatu2 yang jadi korban n beres2 lemari lg..

Waktu 5 jam sm skali ga cukup untuk ngbuat kamar gw tlihat spt kamar manusia..barang2 masih tergeletak di sana sini..berantakan abiiiisss..pusing gw litany..tp cape beresin..n berakhir main internet..untung laptop gw td gw bawa jd msh kering n gw bs internetan bwt mhilangkn kebetean..


Sumpah deeeh..pinggang gw rasany mo copot..kaki pegel tak terkira..scr bolak balik brp x gw k atas k bwh k atas k bwh..smp mandi keringet bgt mlm ini..n ibu pngurusnya dengan santai bilang gini, “gpp ya dew,biar ngurusin..” maksud lu????gw tnp extra fitness ky gt jg dah kurus ini..mau skurus apa lg???plis deeeeh..

accidentally in love

So she said what's the problem baby?
What's the problem I don't know
Well, maybe I'm in love (Love)
Think about it every time
I think about it
Can't stop thinking 'bout it
How much longer will it take to cure this?
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love (Love)
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love

Oh,come on, come on
Turn a little faster
Come on, come on
The world will follow after
Come on, come on
'cause Everybody's after love

So I said I'm a snowball running
Running down into the spring that's coming all this love
Melting under blue skies belting out
Sunlight shimmering love

Well baby I surrender
To the strawberry ice cream
Never ever end of all this love
Well I didn't mean to do it
But there's no escaping your love,oh

These lines of lightning
Mean we're never alone,
Never alone,no,no

Come on, come on
Move a little closer
Come on, Come on
I want to hear you whisper
Come on, Come on
Settle down inside my love

Oh, come on, come on
Jump a little higher
Come on, come on
If you feel a little lighter
Come on, come on
We were once upon a time in love

We're accidentally in love

* Accidentally in love (x8)

Accidentally

* I'm In Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
Accidentally (x2)

Come on, come on
Spin a little tighter
Come on, come on
And the world's a little brighter
Come on, come on
Just get yourself inside her

Love
I'm in love


by counting crows

wherever you will go

This song is remembering me to the one I love so much..I can't deny that i'm still in love with you even though we fight many times and hurt each other's heart with words..I love you more than i hate you..

"I'd go wherever you will go..way up high or down low.."



Wherever you will go

So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone you'll need love to light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone could you make it on your own.

CHORUS:
If I could, then I would
I'd go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low,
I'd go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you, through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Well then I hope there's someone out there
who can bring me back to you

CHORUS
If I could, then I would
I'd go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low,
I'd go wherever you will go

Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time

CHORUS
If I could, then I would
I'd go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low,
I'd go wherever you will go

If I could turn back time
I'd go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'd go wherever you will go
I'd go wherever you will go


by the calling

how to save a life?

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And would I have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And I pray to God he hears you
And I pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And would I have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
You will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And would I have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life


by the fray

over my head (cable car)

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my headOver my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your ...

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I'm in
Over my headOver my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mindShe's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in over my head
I'm in over my headI'm over my...

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind


by the fray

a long december

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving
Oh the days go by so fast

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven
I wish you would (Na na na, etc. yeah)

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California
I think you should (Na na na, etc. yeah)

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after 2 a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean
I guess I should(Na na na, etc. yeah)



by counting crows

we believe

There’s a woman crying out tonight
Her world has changed
She asks God why
Her only son has died
And now her daughter cries
She can’t sleep at night

Downtown another day for all the suits and ties
Another war to fight
There’s no regard for life
How do they sleep at night
How can we make things right
Just wanna make this right

We believe(x6)
In this love

We are all the same
Human in all our ways and all our pains
(So let it be)
There’s a love that could fall down like rain
(Let us see)
Let forgiveness wash away the pain
(What we need)
And no one really knows what they are searching for
(We believe)
This world is crying for so much more

We believe(x6)
In this love

We believe(x5)
In this love

So this world is too much for you to take
Just lay it down and follow me
I’ll be everything you need
In everyway

We believe(x6)
In this love
In this love
We believe
In this love
We believe
In this love
We believe
In this love


by Good Charlotte

a journal of mine part 2

Gw lg suka dengerin lagunya Josh Groban yang You are Loved.. bukan lagu baru sih emang.. dah bertahun-tahun lamanya ni lagu keluar di peredaran dunia musik.. tapi beberapa hari terakhir ini sering banget gw puter berulang kali di music player gw.. liriknya lagi gw suka banget.. liriknya dalem banget bagi gw.. cocok bwt situasi gw saat ini.. hehehe.. memberikan sedikit efek menguatkan untuk gw.. walaupun smp skrg gw ga tau siapa yang mau suka rela ngelakuin itu semua bwt gw.. walaupun ga jarang juga gw ngrasa lelah dengan ini dan itu.. tapi kayanya gw blm mau nyerah.. meskipun sakit karena berulang kali terjatuh.. gw mesti bisa bangun.. berjalan dan terus mencari pintu keluar dari maze.. gw ga pengen mati di dalam maze..


You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved

Don't give up
Because you are loved
You are loved

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

merenda kasih

Saat bintang datang
Tampak jelas di awan
Ingin ku menggapai kejora
Kan kupeluk sungguh
Menghapus duka di diri

Tiada lelah ku menanti dan tunggu
Harapan yang dulu kau janjikan

Namun sampai kapan
Ku harus selalu begini
Kasih......

Refrain :
Bila cinta memang harus memilih
Katakanlah pasti kepadaku
Dia atau daku kasih
Dapatkan cintamu
Takkan kuingkari kenyataan yang ada

Dan bila kita memang harus berpisah
Oh kekasihku....
Biarkan daku dengan cintaku
Dengan jalanku
Kan kuukir manis kenangan kasih kita

Ooo..
Namun kapan kasih kudapat merenda cinta ini...

Refrain :
Bila cinta memang harus memilih
Katakanlah pasti kepadaku
Dia atau daku kasih
Dapatkan cintamu
Takkan kuingkari kenyataan yang ada

Dan bila kita memang harus berpisah
Oh kekasihku
Biarkan daku dengan cintaku
Dengan jalanku
Kan kuukir manis kenangan kasih kita.....

twinkle twinkle little star

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are!

When the blazing sun is gone,
When there's nothing he shines upon,
Then you show your little light,
Twinkle, twinkle, through the night.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are!

In the dark blue sky so deep
Through my curtains often peep
For you never close your eyes
’Til the morning sun does rise
Twinkle, twinkle, little star
How I wonder what you are

Twinkle, twinkle, little star
How I wonder what you are

Darkness

by Lord Byron

I had a dream, which was not all a dream.
The bright sun was extinguish'd, and the stars
Did wander darkling in the eternal space,
Rayless, and pathless, and the icy earth
Swung blind and blackening in the moonless air;
Morn came, and went and came, and brought no day,
And men forgot their passions in the dread
Of this desolation; and all hearts
Were chill'd into a selfish prayer for light:
And they did live by watchfires - and the thrones,
The palaces of crowned kings, the huts,
The habitations of all things which dwell,
Were burnt for beacons; cities were consumed,
And men were gathered round their blazing homes
To look once more into each other's face;
Happy were those who dwelt within the eye
Of the volcanos, and their mountain-torch:
A fearful hope was all the world contain'd;
Forest were set on fire but hour by hour
They fell and faded and the crackling trunks
Extinguish'd with a crash and all was black.
The brows of men by the despairing light
Wore an unearthly aspect, as by fits
The flashes fell upon them; some lay down
And hid their eyes and wept; and some did rest
Their chins upon their clenched hands, and smiled;
And others hurried to and fro, and fed
Their funeral piles with fuel, and looked up
With mad disquietude on the dull sky,
The pall of a past world; and then again
With curses cast them down upon the dust,
And gnash'd their teeth and how
l'd: the wild birds shriek'd,
And, terrified, did flutter on the ground,
And flap their useless wings; the wildest brutes
Came tame and tremolous; and vipers crawl'd
And twined themselves among the multitude,
Hissing, but stingless, they were slain for food:
And War, which for a moment was no more,
Did glut himself again; a meal was bought
With blood, and each sate sullenly apart
Gorging himself in gloom: no love was left;
All earth was but one thought and that was death,
Immediate and inglorious; and the pang
Of famine fed upon all entrails men
Died, and their bones were tombless as their flesh;
The meagre by the meagre were devoured,
Even dogs assail'd their masters, all save one,
And he was faithful to a corpse, and kept
The birds and beasts and famish'd men at bay,
Till hunger clung them, or the dropping dead
Lured their lank jaws; himself sought out no food,
But with a piteous and perpetual moan
And a quick desolate cry, licking the hand
Which answered not with a caress, he died.
The crowd was famish'd by degrees; but two
Of an enormous city did survive,
And they were enemies;
They met beside
The dying embers of an altar-place
Where had been heap'd a mass of holy things
For an unholy usage; they raked up,
And shivering scraped with their cold skeleton hands
The feeble ashes, and their feeble breath
Blew for a little life, and made a flame
Wich was a mockery; then they lifted up
Their eyes as it grew lighter, and
Each other's aspects. saw, and shriek'd, and died, beheld
Even of their mutual hideousness they died,
Unknowing who he was upon whose brow
Famine had written Fiend.
The world was void,
The populous and the powerful was a lump,
Seasonless, herbless, treeless, manless, lifeless,
A lump of death, a chaos of hard clay.
The rivers, lakes, and ocean stood still,
And nothing stirred within their silent depths;
Ships sailorless lay rotting on the sea,
And their masts fell down piecemeal; as they dropp'd
They slept on the abyss without a surge
The waves were dead; the tides were in their grave,
The moon their mistress had expired before;
The winds were withered in the stagnant air,
And the clouds perish'd;
Darkness had no need
Of aid from them.
She was the universe.

The Heart Asks

By Emily Dickinson

The heart asks pleasure first
And then, excuse from pain;
And then those little anodynes
That deaden suffering,
And then to go to sleep
And then, if it should be,
The will of its Inquisitor
The liberty to die!

You Smiled

By Walter Savage Landor

You smiled, you spoke and I believed,
By every word and smile- deceived.
Another man would hope no more;
Nor hope I- what I hoped before.
But let not this last wish be vain;
Deceive, deceive me once again!

When We Broke Up, You Said You'd Always Love Me

By Dimitri Shostakovich

When we broke up, you said you'd always love me.
Always, you said, always we'd be friends.
But soon I saw you wanted nothing of me,
And then I understood that's how it ends.
You said, "Well, it's much harder than I thought."
I guess it's always easier to lie.
You said, "Well, ask me anything you want."
But I was much too frightened to ask why.
I guess it doesn't matter why we failed,
Or why I love you after what you've done,
Or why the harshest truths must be unveiled
After the last train has come and gone.
I miss you and I love you, even though
What happened lies too deep for me to know.

When we two are parted

By Lord Byron

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted,
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sank chill on my brow
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame:
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:
Long, long shall I rue thee
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.

a journal of mine part 1

Sejak lebaran kemarin kayanya kondisi badan gw makin ga beres deh...jadi gampang bener kayanya sakit..yang pusing lah..demam..mimisan..datang silih berganti..

Dalam seminggu terakhir ini kayanya ada tiga kali udah mimisan..n pastinya selalu ditemani ma pusing..nah kalau pusing ini nih..kayany lebih sering pusingnya dibanding ga akhir-akhir ini..kalau demam sih masih mendingan..masih agak jarang..yah paling 2 kali aja dalam seminggu ini..

Emang sih selain cuaca yang agak aneh akhir-akhir ini..atau kecapean pulang balik jakarta-bandung..selain itu, gw juga agak banyak pikiran sih..mungkin itu juga yang menyebabkan kondisi gw drop..gw sih ngerasa pikiran gw yang punya andil lumayan ke kondisi gw..

Segimanapun kerasnya usaha gw untuk ga terlalu memikirkan apa yang sering seliweran di benak gw..tetap aja gw berakhir di titik yang sama..gw bukannya ga pengen men-set pikiran gw ke mode yang lebih menyenangkan dan enjoy my life whatever it is..gw pengen banget ngedoktrin diri gw kalau gw baik-baik aja..tapi ga bisa..

Gw ngerasa cape banget dengan akumulasi masalah..yang itu-itu..rasanya pengen nyerah aja..gw pengen berhenti..


Jakarta, 1 Oktober 2009
11.30 am

kekasih yang tak dianggap

aku mentari tapi tak menghangatkanmu
aku pelangi tak memberi warna di hidupmu
aku sang bulan tak menerangi malammu
aku lah bintang yg hilang ditelan kegelapan

selalu itu yg kau ucapkan padaku

Reff

sebagai kekasih yg tak dianggap
aku hanya bisa mencoba mengalah
menahan setiap amarah

aku sang bulan tak menerangi malammu
aku lah bintang yg hilang ditelan kegelapan

Repeat reff

sebagai kekasih yg tak dianggap
aku hanya bisa mencoba bersabar
ku yakin kau kan berubah

Repeat reff

berhentilah..

Aku mohon berhentilah bermain2..
Hatiku sudah benar2 letih..
Tolong mengertilah..
Aku bukan mainan..
Jangan permainkan lagi..

stupid stupid stupid

Damn..why u always cross my mind..why do I love u so while u'r just playing with me..I always thought that it's real..I was so happy finding someone who loves me from the heart..I was never expected there's somebody else..I thought I was u'r one and only..I trusted every words came out from ur mouth..then what did I get??leaving me here all alone..broken..

I pray for these tears not to fall down on my face any longer..but it still falls down..n I was down deep..crawling for my life..2 survive..

U have no idea how bad the scar is..unfortunately I'm not like other girls u know..I'm like a china..vulnerable..I was trying 2 b a tough one..but seem 2 fail..this is just too much for me to handle at one time..

If I knew that I wasn't the one u wanted beside u..I would not let you in..I would not let myself fall for u..cuz when u'r gone,I will be the one who suffers..

I feel like I'm a fool..letting myself offguard just because I long for a true love..I was so convinced that you brought a true love 4 me..n made my dream came true..just how naïve I am..

stupid me..hoping for something that isn't for me..wanting to reach a star up above with these short hands..dream on..